Stuff Reformers Like

#21 – Military Metaphors

rkeland — Thu, 14 Jan 2010 20:48:12 +0000

Never to shy away from a full frontal assault, the young and the reformed folk love to wage war. Bootcamps teach cohesive air-war/ground war campaigns. You will enter bootcamp with flabby doctrine and emerge a lean and mean reformed mortar launching machine. Many young soldiers will undergo this process multiple times per year to further hone their battlefield prowess.

There are plenty of enemies always trying to infiltrate the camp: prosperity gospelers, social gospelers, Robb Bell and Arminians to name a few.

So lock and load soldiers as we are at war.

My only advice on survival: lob “theology mortars” into the enemy camp and remain hidden at all times!

#20 – Making Up Words

thejakers — Wed, 30 Dec 2009 00:12:50 +0000

Nothing brings more joy to a young reformer’s heart than being able to take a simple concept and make it seem infinitely more complicated. And part of the fun of this process comes from making up words. We don’t say that we are missionaries. We are missional. We don’t have a skill set. We’re triperspectival. We don’t do purposeful coaching. We do transformissional coaching.

As God’s chosen people, it is important to have a language that differentiates us. These words do well in a pinch. Wondering whether a “Christian” you just met at a conference has good theology? Bring up triperspectivalism and if he or she squirms, you know they’re probably some theology-lite evangelical teetering on the edge of heresy and damnation.

These types of words are also important because they help us get books that nobody will read published by scholarly type imprints nobody knows exist.

So keep up the good work (done through you by Christ), you worthy word-warrior!

#19 – Putting the “X” Back in Christmas

thejakers — Thu, 24 Dec 2009 15:36:24 +0000

Never ones to admit that perception is reality, the young reformers will doggedly defend centuries-old traditions in Christianity (as long as they are post-Luther and reformed, with the exception of Augustine). Thus, during the Christmas season, we see fit to correct those simpletons and stupid people who don’t know Greek who erroneously think using the term “Xmas” is removing the reason for the season from our holiday cheer. This year’s batch of corrective polemics was wide and diverse. Here is a good example from the grandfather of young reformers, R.C. Sproul.

So, from Stuff Reformers Like, we wish you a Merry Xmas and a Happy New Year!

#18 – Celebrating Righteous Anger

rkeland — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 17:38:58 +0000

Because the young reformed are generally angry they need an outlet. The young reformed also know that anger is a sin. Lucky for us, the Bible leaves a fun group of people to unleash our wrath (#11) upon – Pharisees.

The next time that young zealot tells you that your cigar (#8) and delicious micro-brew (#2) are going to send people to hell, look him directly in the eye and in your most menacing voice say,”woe is you, you whitewashed tomb!” If surrounded by multiple legalists, “brood of vipers” works particularly well.

If delivered correctly, the young zealot and his friends may want to persecute you in some way. Your posse will probably want to protect you but do not let them. If they do try, however, you will get the rare opportunity to call them Satan and have them stand behind you.

#17 – UFC

thejakers — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 22:41:59 +0000

In the olden days reformers released their aggression by drinking excessive amounts of home-brewed beer and unleashing a can of whoop ass on anabaptists. Now they just watch guys in speedos punch each other on the ground in a cage. This unusual phenomenon is called UFC.

“Fight Nights” as they are called involve packs of young reformers gathering at a local residence to imbibe in various alcoholic beverages, smoke cigars, eat fattening foods, watch grown men beat each other up on a big screen TV, and then tweet about it the next day.

When asked how they square watching such violence with the Bible, the reformers are quick to point out that the Bible is one of the more violent books in all of humanity…and besides, UFC is a sport.

Many useful battle analogies can be drawn from UFC for theological discussions. For instance an reference to athleticism and Paul’s many references to the training it takes to be a good Christian are useful in apologetical discussions.

Now excuse me while I go practice some spiritual shoulder throws to take Satan down with.

Grace and peace in our Lord Jesus Christ.

#16 – Settlers of Catan

rkeland — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 18:23:04 +0000

Do the following terms mean anything to you?

Chits, Ameritrash, right-binding, windrose, animeeples, rhondel, worker placement, Uwe Rosenberg, Klaus Teuber, Rio Grande.

If they do, you are awesome and you can be my friend. If they don’t, let me be the first to welcome you to the meta-narrative of German board gaming. Yes, Martin Luther is not the only good thing to come from Germany.

Since God is sovereign we are committed to only participating in board games that leave nothing to chance. We scoff at the pedestrian mechanics of Monopoly and Risk. The more dice, the less worthy the game.

Find four friends, grab an overpriced Oktoberfest beer, unpack that poorly translated game that takes 45 minutes to set up and prepare for a two hour intellectual duel unlike any you have ever experienced.

Here are some worthy titles for you to consider:

Settlers of Catan (cities and knights expansion), Agricola, Puerto Rico, Dominion, LeHavre, Power Grid, Antike, Caylus, Steam, Ticket to Ride, Notre Dame, San Juan, AmunRa, Metropolys.

#15 – The ESV Translation

thejakers — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 04:44:23 +0000

It’s not that young reformers are ESV only. It’s just that we’re ESV only.

Now, we’re not saying that the young reformers are ready to start burning other translations of the Bible. After all, we’re not that crazy…and besides they’re are plenty of other books to burn by authors like Tony Jones and Doug Pagitt to stoke our backyard bonfires (while we smoke cigars and drink microbrews) before we get to errant translations that have the audacity to go thought for thought.

The reality is that if you aren’t using the ESV, you’re probably some kind of post-modern generalist who has very little reverence for the very Word of God. Why? Because the ESV is a literal word-for-word translation that is surprisingly readable, proving that God can be both theologically precise and write with a little flair…and he doesn’t need our impressionistic feelings to get in the way. Got that Eugene?

Some people say that the term literal interpretation is an oxymoron, but my literal interpretation of Romans 9 tells me they’re probably just not destined to get it.

#14 – The French Press

thejakers — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 16:51:36 +0000

It’s no secret that the young reformers like the finer things in life. And coffee is no exception. However it’s simply not enough to pay out the nose for specialty coffees that are over-roasted and lacking in subtlety, they must also be brewed in a french press. Often described as the four longest minutes of the day, many a young reformer stumbles out of bed and mechanistically begins the long and ritualistic process of preparing the first of many french presses to the glory of God.

French presses are generally preferred over the drip method of brewing coffee because they are hard work and thus remind us that the work of the Lord is toil but with great reward, sometimes hot water gets spilled onto our hand reminding us (if just for a brief second) of eternal conscious torment, and they are portable and can be placed in a picture that shows everyone how cool and rewarding your daily devotions are. Witness this picture from friend of Stuff Reformers Like, Will Adair.

Will hits a SRL home run in this photo. We especially think the tulips are a nice touch.

#13 – mocking songs about love

rkeland — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 20:20:54 +0000

Nothing reminds a young reformer of the doctrine of total depravity like an emotional love song to Jesus. When the breathy voice of a young man sings out, “Jesus I am so in love with you” the young reformer goes into full doctrinal lockdown (fdl). Any souls fortunate enough to be in the vicinity are quickly informed that love is not a feeling but a decision, and that love is not understood apart from wrath (see post #11).

If feeling particularly spunky, the young reformer will most likely begin teaching of the inadequacy of the English word “love.” This also provides an excellent opportunity to display an extensive knowledge of Koine Greek by expounding upon the differences between αγάπη, φιλία and έρως. To bring it home, the young reformer instructs his listeners that there is no possible way for them to love God and that all they actually do is hate God.

Crises successfully averted.

#12 – Moleskines

thejakers — Thu, 03 Dec 2009 17:14:31 +0000

Not content to just look pretentious by carrying a notebook everywhere, the young reformers pay exorbitant amounts of money for one particular type of notebook that makes them original – the Molskine. The powerful combination of a thin line ESV Bible and a Moleskine is the modern equivalent of the warrior of old’s sword and shield. A reformer warrior would never consider going into battle without them. Of course instead of blood-soaked battlefields, the reformer’s battlefield is more often than not a coffee shop where they indulge in the timeless missional activity of eating a pumpkin scone and drinking a mocha while reading Grudem’s Systematic Theology.

The Moleskine is useful because it’s hard exterior reminds us of our hard hearts before God chose to redeem us, and the elastic strap that keeps it closed reminds us that it takes the owners hand to open the heart which cannot open on its own.

The most common uses for a Moleskine are notes from theology reading, diagrams (which are usually shared on Twitter via an iPhone picture), and sitting unused next to a laptop.

It should be of note that the original idea for this installment of Stuff Reformers Like was written in a Moleskine, which is proof enough for the supremacy of that brand.